Lin's Ramblings
by Loopy777
Summary: Remember the fan-favorite Mai's Ramblings series, where the most bitter personality in Avatar held forth on every ship under the sun? Well, Lin Bei Fong is giving it a try, and bringing all the snark, sarcasm, and wild misinterpretations that you could want. This is the most hilarious ship-bashing the world will ever see! Updating irregularly.


**Lin Bei Fong on... Makorra!**

"They say that all is fair in love an war, but in the United Republic we have this fancy new idea called a 'war crime,' and if ever that concept applied to a romantic relationship, it definitely applies to _The Legend of Korra_'s flagship love story, the coming together of Mako the Dirt Poor Pro-Bender and Avatar Korra.

"Neither of these stupid delinquents started out in a particularly mature state of mind because Korra FOR ONE grew up isolated within a compound belonging to some kind of rogue PaiSho-playing backwoods militia and spent every day of her life until she was seventeen learning how to destroy property and assault perfectly innocent people who were just trying to pay their taxes HA BY SEVENTEEN I HAD ALREADY KILLED THREE WARLORDS AND LIBERATED EIGHT COLONIES AND LEARNED HOW TO BEND METAL WITH MY PINKY FINGER AND ALSO WROTE A POLICE HANDBOOK AND ALSO LEARNED TO CROCHET. She claims that she came to my kingdom WHOOPS I MEANT TO SAY REPUBLIC CITY BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE GET HUFFY WHEN I ADMIT THAT I OWN THIS FILTHY GLORIOUS CITY because she had to learn Airbending and Tenzin THE STUPID MAN WHO THINKS WITH HIS NOMAD STAFF didn't want to move away to the militia camp and give up both his mansion and servants WHOOPS I MEAN ACOLYTES WOULD YOU BELIEVE THEY PAY HIM FOR THE PRIVILEGED OF MAKING HIM HIS STIR FRY and his EVIL WIFE Pema was twenty-eight months pregnant and wasn't quite craving seal jerky yet. The first thing Korra did when she arrived here was break every law on the books including that one about not going out in public wearing only a crocodile-boar but at least she beat up some Triad thugs in the process so I let her go with a warning AND A MILD WHIPPING BUT YOU WON'T FIND THAT ON THE BOOKS HEH HEH.

"Korra proceeded to live like an over privileged bum COME ON GIRL THE CITY POLICE COULD HAVE USED SOME MUSCLE AND THE BONUS IS THAT ONCE YOU JOIN THE WHIPPINGS ARE FREE until she decided to engage in a little breaking-and-entering and trespassing for old time's sake and stumbled across the Pro-Bending brothers Mako and Bolin who were orphans but didn't exactly go all Wolfbatman on life over it WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE WOLFBATMAN AND LOTS OF PEOPLE THINK HE'S MY FATHER SO IT MIGHT GET PERSONAL. Both boys immediately noticed that Korra is a Q-cup THAT'S THE BIGGEST ONE I THINK BUT MY MOM DIDN'T EXACTLY TEACH ME THIS STUFF AND MY WORLD USES CHEST-WRAPPINGS ANYWAY and favored shirts so tight I'm sure there's a law against it AND IF NOT I MIGHT JUST MAKE IT UP ON THE SPOT AND ARREST HER ANYWAY and immediately fell in love with her for three reasons and one of them was that she could fill in as their team's Waterbender. Mako however is HOT NO NEVER MIND THAT JOKE WAS OLD BEFORE MY MOTHER HIT PUBERTY one of those annoying boys who thinks that having good looks means he's morally obligated to be an aloof jerk who only speaks to offer an insult or a very grudging 'not bad' MAYBE I SHOULD WRITE IN MY OWN LAW ABOUT BEING A PRETTY BOY JERK AND HAVE THE PUNISHMENT INVOLVE WHIPPING and turns out to just need the constant attention of a SUPER CURVY woman in order to want to act like an actual human being.

"If you recognize Korra and Mako being setup as the most cliché love story ever then you don't win a cookie because even my mother in high heels could have seen that coming AND SHE'S BLIND IN CASE YOU MISSED the TEN THOUSAND AND ONE JOKES SHE MADE ABOUT IT but before they got together they had to waste time and have an adventure because if Avatar Aang has one lasting legacy in this world BESIDES FATHERING THE WORST BOYFRIEND EVER it's that a love story has to wait for the last minute of the story to be finished even if there isn't a single logical reason why it can't happen sooner THEN AGAIN MY MOM COULD HAVE USED A LITTLE OF THAT IN HER LIFE BECAUSE FOR ALL I KNOW MY FATHER IS THE SPARKY SPARKY BOOM MAN so extra complications were introduced in the form of Mako's little brother Bolin and a girl named Asami who thinks that nice shoulders and a lack of personality make up for not being a bender AND FOR SOME REASON THAT FILLS ME WITH DEEP EXISTENTIAL ANGER AND IF YOU GET THAT JOKE CONGRATULATIONS YOU'VE OFFICIALLY SPENT TOO MUCH TIME DISCUSSING SUKKA ON THE INTERNET YOU FREAK. Mako spent some time 'bending' Asami AND BY THAT I MEAN THEY WENT FOR SOME VERY NICE DINNERS AND CARRIAGE RIDES THROUGH THE PARK AND ALSO SOME WHIPPING while Bolin tried to convince Korra that he was in fact a guy and she shouldn't just laugh off his attempts at romance and burping together is totally the same as having chemistry and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being an Earthbender who can't bend metal EWW.

"Despite their other options Korra and Mako couldn't stop sneaking glances at each other's butts AND KORRA'S Q-CUPS BUT IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAD TO BE SNEAKY TO GET A GOOD LOOK AT THEM and things eventually came to a head when Korra got advice from Pema of all people telling her to forget that Mako has a responsibility to admire Asami's butt only AND WHATEVER HER CUPS ARE BECAUSE SHE WEARS THESE HEAVY JACKETS ALL THE TIME AND I WOULDN'T PUT IT PAST HER FATHER TO HAVE INVENTED SOME KIND OF ROBOTIC IMPLANT and to go ahead and seduce Mako with everything she had AND OF COURSE THAT DEMON-WOMAN PEMA WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT BECAUSE FOR AN AIR HUSSIE SHE SURE DOESN'T SEEM TO GIVE TWO SHAKES OF A SPIDER-RAT'S BACKSIDE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND ME AND TENZIN WERE DOING JUST FIND BEFORE SHE STARTED GIVING HIM THOSE DOE-EYES AND MOVING THOSE PRIMED-FOR-CHILDBEARING TEENAGED HIPS AND DRAGGING HIM AWAY FROM WHERE HE WAS HAPPY WITH ME AND WHO IS SHE ANYWAY TO CATCH THE ATTENTION OF AVATAR AANG'S SON SHE'S JUST A NOBODY WHOSE PARENTS WERE NOBODIES AND MY MOTHER WAS TOPH MONKEYFEATHERING BEI FONG AND MY FATHER WAS PROBABLY PRETTY COOL TOO UNLESS HE WAS HARU IN WHICH CASE EWw AND IT'S NOT THAT I'M PATHETIC AND NEED A MAN BUT TENZIN AND I HAD BEEN DATING SINCE WE WERE FOUR YEARS OLD AND NOW HE WON'T EVEN RETURN MY CALLS AND IT'S NOT LIKE HIM TO HOLD A GRUDGE AND PEMA REALLY WAS DOUBLE-PARKED AND THE LAW IS THE LAW AND MAYBE THE WHIPPINGS WEREN'T STRICTLY NECESSARY BUT IT'S JUST THE WAY WE DO THINGS AROUND HERE AND EVERYONE IS SO INTIMIDATED BY MY MOTHER'S LEGACY THAT NO ONE WANTS TO DANCE WITH ME AND JUST BECAUSE I AM THE LAW AROUND HERE DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT UP FOR GOING FOR A FEW DRINKS AFTER WORK AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT MY HAIR WAS PRETTY AND-

"Um, sorry, got a little off-track there."

"So eventually Korra got kidnapped and Mako realized he might never see the Q-cups again so he went into full-blown panic mode HE'S CUTE WHEN HE'S WORRIED BUT NOT PARTICULARLY HELPFUL ESPECIALLY WHEN HE THINKS HE TRIES TO TORTURE PRISONERS FOR INFORMATION THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN I HAVE LIE-DETECTORS BUILT INTO MY CLEAN-SMELLING FEET and Asami was kind of taken aback at all of Mako's raving about the Q-cups so a little judicious investigation SHE TICKLED BOLIN OR SOMETHING I WASN'T REALLY PAYING ATTENTION revealed that Mako and Korra had kissed when the Avatar acted on Pema's advice OH YEAH I FORGOT TO TELL YOU PEMA TOLD KORRA TO KISS MAKO AND TRY TO GET HERSELF PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD SO THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO MARRY HER OR AT LEAST I'M SURE THE HUSSIE SAID SOMETHING LIKE THAT BUT ANYWAY IT DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE MAKO IS STILL A JERK AND WOULDN'T GIVE AWAY ASAMI YET and Mako had covered it up like Long Feng covers up a war A LITTLE HISTORY HUMOR FOR YOU OLD-SCHOOL FANS.

"Anyway Asami eventually got around to asking Mako about it and his only response was to claim that boys will be boys BUT I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT AVATAR AANG WAS ALWAYS A NICE PERSON AND MY FATHER WAS PROBABLY VERY HONORABLE TOO UNLESS HE WAS THE HIPPO WRESTLER GUY IN WHICH CASE I WANT HALF MY DNA REMOVED and he and Asami proceeded to passive-aggressively snipe at each other and I guess they eventually broke up but I can't say I know the details because I was kind of too busy giving up my Bending to save Tenzin and his family HEY PEMA SUCK ON THAT AND THINK ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT WHEN YOU HUG YOUR KIDS not that anyone ever thanked me and Korra thought I was so cool she got the bad guy to take away her Bending too so that she could be just like me and I'm so great that as soon as Korra started acting more like me Mako was completely all over her PRESUMABLY HE BROKE UP WITH ASAMI AT SOME POINT BUT MAYBE SHE'S ONE OF THOSE NEWFANGLED POLYTHEIST KIDS WHO GO TO THOSE FANCY COLLEGES NOW AND MAYBE A POLYGAMIST TOO and they proceeded to make out OR IS THAT 'MAK O-UT' OH KOH I DESERVE FOR SOME WHINY GOTH GIRL TO GIVE ME A KNIFE TO THE FACE FOR THAT ONE and plan how many annoying poopy babies they wanted to have. And no, I have no idea what happened to Bolin. Maybe he died. No one really cared.

"It just goes to show, all you really need to succeed in life might be a nice pair of Q-cups, but I'm living proof that a metal whip and retractable wrist daggers is an effective way get back at the world for your shortcomings and keep all your romantic rivals from ever getting complacent."


End file.
